Hard Promises

Stars: William Petersen (To Live And Die In L.A., Manhunter), Sissy Spacek (The Long Walk Home, Carrie, Coal Miner's Daughter), Mare Winningham (Turner & Hooch, Threshold), Brian Kerwin (Torch Song Trilogy). Twenty minutes into Hard Promises you realize, with a kind of sinking feeling, that not one of the main characters has a three-digit I.Q. Fortunately, if you're not a reviewer, you can bail out early and look for more substantial fare like Surf Nazis Must Die. Those who stick around will be subjected to Joey Colter, a half-wit perennially struck by wanderlust, who's only been home about 1,000 out of the 4,000 days of his marriage. When he receives a wedding invitation announcing his wife Christie's (Sissy Spacek) forthcoming matrimonial to town nerd Walter, Joey beats feet home. For the next hour, Joey, Christie, daughter Beth, Walter, and best friends Pinky and Dawn, play he-loves-me, he-loves-me-not footsie with one another while anyone with sanity goes looking for a barf bucket. Such formerly important subjects as love, family, and divorce are all here treated as if they carry no weight. Daughter Beth dutifully squirts a few on cue, but everybody else acts like they're living in a twisted version of Our Town. Here, elderly neighbors pile into the family car to go see a lawyer about divorce papers, and ex's sleep together on the eve of a wedding that isn't theirs. What alternate universe is this? Hard Promises is hard to swallow, and not much else. Audience: The pretty box art featuring Spacek and Petersen will grab some viewers initially, but they'll soon realize that the Beverly Hillbillies were Rhodes scholars compared to this bunch.