Gigli

In what may go down as the most embarrassing attempt at sexy dialogue in history, this gangland romantic comedy catastrophe features Jennifer Lopez asking to be orally pleasured by Ben Affleck with the line, "Turkey time! Gobble, gobble." But it's not just the line itself that makes this moment the cherry atop this dung-heap sundae of a movie that is nothing but bad moments. It's also the fact that Lopez is playing a lesbian--one of those gorgeous, male-fantasy movie lesbians who just needed the right man to straighten her out, and that the “right man” for this straight-curious, street-smart Sapphic gal could be an angry, dimwitted, pompadoured mook and inept mob-enforcer, played by Affleck with a bad Brooklyn accent and a stink of churlish masculinity that comes from overactive testosterone glands and beer-deadened brain cells. These two “fall in love” during the plot-device kidnapping of a district attorney's autistic brother (Justin Bartha, doing a community-theater-quality Rain Man), but writer-director Martin Brest (Meet Joe Black) fails to recognize that their flimsy, tedious performances don't reflect any spark of life or hint of chemistry. Not recommended. (R. Blackwelder)