The Goldfish Show

The information sheet billed this as "a comprehensive video for goldfish lovers of all ages." We have recently inherited 2 goldfish, and I am constantly bombarded by questions about them from my grade schoolers. How long do they live? Do some live in saltwater and some in fresh? Why do the same species grow to different sizes depending on the available space? I craved the information this tape could provide. But when my kids, wife and I hunkered down for this extravaganza (we even brought the goldfish), we were stunned. Despite the title, this video doesn't even pretend to be about goldfish. Viewers will learn nada about the history, behavioral patterns, biology or care of goldfish. It's merely a promotional tape about how to enter your goldfish in the Goldfish Competition at the Chapel Hill Mall in Akron, Ohio. It tells you the rules and regulations of the show, how to register for the show, whether or not electrical outlets are supplied at the show and the acceptable size entries for each category. All the while it tempts us with shots of fascinating-looking, prize-winning goldfish. It never once stoops so low as to tell us one detail of general interest about them. The singular moment of joy in this tape for me was the constant repeating of the acceptable size of the "caudle pedunkle" of each goldfish. Not that I know what a "caudle pedunkle" actually is. I just like saying it. That just makes one more question I can't answer about goldfish. The only folks awake at the end of this video were the goldfish, I think, but since I still don't know a thing about them, I can't even be sure if they sleep. Not recommended. Aud: P. (R. Ray)