The Lost Ark

This video begins with the assertion that it will reveal, once and for all, the last resting place of the Ark of the Covenant. What videographer Bill Burgess actually discovers are the Ten Commandments of pumping up a bad documentary. They are (to wit): ONE--The majority of people will believe anything you tell them if you just show a clip of the pyramids beneath what you are saying and play some ominous music on the soundtrack. TWO--In lieu of scholarship, begin each and every sentence with the phrase "we believe...." THREE--If anyone asks you who "we" are, never say "the producers, the marketing people, my travel agent and I." FOUR--If pressed, claim that we believe ancient astronauts brought technology from Atlantis and built the cathedrals of Europe by harnessing the powers of the Ark of The Covenant. FIVE --Those special effects buttons on the editing console are really neato, especially the ones which make everything blurry, sepia toned and slow mo. SIX--Make every location you visit, in Egypt, Jerusalem and Ethiopia seem like the most impossible place in the world to get to (warning: don't get the tourists, touts, or busses in the shot, it will ruin the effect). SEVEN--Add a theme like "Raiders of The Lost Ark" every time you appear onscreen and everyone will think you're a stud. EIGHT--If you can't find good interviewees, just film the noses, eyes or mouths of the people you do get and turn the lights way down low and film from a crazy angle and everyone will go, "whoa, cool." NINE--Any three places in the world (i.e. Giza, Jerusalem, Axum) can be made out to be mysteriously associated by drawing 3 points on the map and connecting them into a triangle. Add mystical mood music. TEN--If the Ethiopian tourist board won't co-operate and let you see the Ark, tell them you're going to tell everyone it's in some other country. Invent a story about the Knights Templar and claim it's in your own backyard in Scotland. That'll show them. I guess you get the picture. This one's a few cubits short of a keepsake. Not recommended. (R. Ray)