Those Who Love Me Can Take the Train

Jean-Baptiste (Jean-Louis Trintignant), a mediocre Parisian painter but renowned gay amorist, is dead, and now a "journey of intimate friends, lovers and enemies" has begun to accompany Jean-Baptiste's body to the distant town of Limoges, where he will be buried beside the rest of his family. Boarding the train for the trip are a colorful assortment of mourners who happen to comprise the most miserable group of individuals ever to travel by rail, and rail they do for the entire journey, at each other and themselves for their failed lives and loves. After they arrive in Limoges and park Jean-Baptiste in his plot, they retire to the house of Jean-Baptiste's brother, where they continue to harry one another (and the audience) for another 45-minutes, with one brief comic respite courtesy of a transsexual shoe fetishist. While admittedly well directed and shot, this self-important drivel with a marquee-challenging title may well mark the longest two hours you'll ever spend in front of a movie screen. (Compounding the film's problems on DVD is the fact that the DVD mastering has so many aliasing problems that it makes the viewer reel). It's telling to note that not even Jean-Baptiste wanted to spend any more time with this chain-smoking bunch; he travels to Limoges in the back of a station wagon instead. They say dead men don't lie, so take a hint from the guest of honor here: this is one "Train" you should plan on missing. Not recommended. (S. C. Sickles)