Gods of Egypt

One character here aptly verbalizes the dilemma of trying to evaluate this sword ‘n' sandals fantasy, saying something like, “If I even attempted to explain it, your brain would liquefy and run out of your ears.” But here goes anyway: harking back to classic mythology, Osiris (Bryan Brown) decides to pass the Egyptian throne to his son Horus (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau), which infuriates his villainous brother Set (Gerard Butler), who kills Osiris, blinds Horus, and plunges the once-peaceful kingdom into chaos and conflict. Along comes a mortal lad, a thief named Bek (Brenton Thwaits), who not only retrieves Horus's eyeball but joins with him to reclaim the country with the help of the bewitching Goddess of Love, Hathor (Elodie Yung); the campy God of Knowledge, Thoth (Chadwick Boseman); and the almighty Ra (Geoffrey Rush), who rides on his celestial chariot through the glowing sky, shooting solar beams at a serpentine creature who represents chaos. Bek wants to be reunited with his lover Zaya (Courtney Eaton), who worked for Set's architect Urshu (Rufus Sewell) until he dispatched her to the underworld of jackal-headed Anubis, where, hopefully, she can be rescued before having to pay Set's new afterlife toll tax. (I am not kidding.) Although director Alex Proyas was born in Egypt, no Egyptian actors were cast (even as extras), stirring controversy before the film was released. Full of cheesy special effects—the huge gods bleed gold and shape-shift into different creatures—Gods of Egypt is a total waste of time and talent. Not recommended. (S. Granger)