The Complete Guide to Oral Lovemaking

And here's another reason to stay away from processed foods and take advantage of, say, "honey." In Oral Lovemaking Position 50 (or maybe 51, I was busy writing), viewers are told that honey is "organic and sensually oozes on to the penis"; how refreshingly environmentally romantic, no? The Complete Guide to Oral Lovemaking opens with a cautionary text scroll (running at approximately the speed of light) followed by another text scroll (running at approximately the speed of honey) by Dr. Anthony A. Zaffuto, Ph.D., a "sociologist and minister of many years," who apparently has no compunction lending his name to a program featuring male and female 'models' engaged in graphic oral sex while undergoing more costume changes (specifically, lingerie) than Joan Rivers in a variety show. Since Dr. Tony's text was all about sexual intercourse (not oral lovemaking), I'm assuming he didn't even watch this particular show. I can safely report that he didn't miss much. Divided into two sections, "Cunnilingus" (Positions 1-21) and "Fellatio" (Positions 22-51)--a bit of math shows that men get more attention even though their anatomy is decidedly more simple--viewers are treated to some of the worst overlaid narration around ("she willfully surrenders," "rising sense of anticipation," and so on) while seeing falsely emoting actors pretend they're in the throes of sexual ecstasy. The number of positions is vastly overstated; many are almost exactly the same as the previous position demonstrated. I won't say that this sucks, because that's a cheap and easy closing line; it is, however, a poor excuse for a sexual instruction video. Not recommended. Aud: P. (R. Pitman)